It’s been a while. I miss talking to you. I know right now we have gaps that can’t be bridged, distances that can’t be overcome. But until we meet again, let me tell you about life right now.
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I wake up & meditate, first thing in the morning. Sometimes 15 minutes, sometimes an hour. I’ve been doing it since January - Trang and I have kept each other accountable. There was this two-week period when Trang was out, and I stopped meditating. But I told her about it the day she got back. The next morning as I got into the kitchen she asked, Have you meditated, and i said No and she said You need to go back and meditate, and so I went back to meditate, and now I’m consistent again.
These days I’ve been shedding, bits by bits. Not my hair, I really hope (one of our friends always starts our weekly call with, Is my hair thinning? & that has made me worried about my hair too). But in a way of, I’m moving around the world a bit lighter, I’m being kinder to myself, I’ve had a quiet humming of self-assuredness that was missing for a while. A lot of things in my life have fractured. I’ve been grieving the fall, but right now, I’m just … living? Like, the things that would work out, I don’t need to worry, and the things that wouldn’t be ok, I would survive too. That makes me sound fearless, but really I’m not. I’m just embracing the fall. I know they, too, have important lessons to teach. I have meditation to thank for all this shift.
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Breakfast is always sweet potato for me. Our apartment finally got an air fryer after my constant nagging. It is the greatest appliance because I can now bake a sweet potato in <25 minutes and the taste is almost as good as the one I had in Taipei. When I got back from travel I told my roomies, the two things I miss most about my New York life are my meditation cushion and sweet potato breakfast. We all have our vices.
Then I work. Most days I’m coding at my desk, staring at a screen, debugging code that I have previously written. Work is stressful right now, but I get a lot of meaning out of it. On our recent work retreat, we visited a mangrove conservation project in Mexico. We heard from a woman who started a health campaign to bring pediatricians to the area, a remote region with very little access to healthcare. She was the mother of a son who died from cancer at 8 years old, and now she is making sure kids in the area have early detection and treatment. Our money helps fund this project - because climate health and community health are intertwined. When I first started work I thought a lot about how we won’t be able to solve the climate crisis with this product alone, how there is so much work to be done, but I feel a lot of peace knowing we have helped this one mother find purpose in her grief, who then help more people in the process. Am I trading ambition for contentment? Is it a worthy trade? What do you think?
This is getting existential. I’m not like this normally, I don’t think, but in writing I get a space to let out all the questions in my mind, most of which I don’t have answers to. Thank you for giving me that space.
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The good thing about staying in the same space for a long time is I am a local now. The cafe in our neighborhood, I know the barista’s name and they know my order. There’s a convenience store at the corner of the street where I always get sparkling water after gym; the owner and I are good friends, even though he’s from Yemen and speaks maybe 10 words of English altogether. But we found a way to communicate. Today I was late for Writing Club so I rushed onto the subway only to realize I was going uptown instead of downtown. The other woman on the cart reminded me, and we had a lovely little laugh about it. At one point, she giggled, “You look like a Brooklyn girl.” Haha, is it that easy to tell?
Of all the things that New York has brought me, I’m most grateful for this. The people. It’s cliche, I know, but it’s true nonetheless.
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I’ve also got myself a hobby now, like any 23-year-old would. I’ve been going to salsa weekly, maybe even 3 times a week. Can you imagine me dancing? I remember my first class, as the instructor started doing crazy turn patterns, I turned around to the woman next to me and asked in disbelief - Is it a beginner class? I was absolutely horrible. But somehow, I kept going, one class after the next, and now I’m actually good? At a social yesterday my dance partner told me, I really like the way you play with the rhythms of the music. Hearing it made me blush.
When I dance salsa I feel so free. Like, I’m blossoming. Like, I’m moving seamlessly between spaces & time is a construct & what does it mean to be alive if it’s not in every moment you let go and just feel the music? If I’m shedding during meditation, then salsa is when I’m becoming, growing into my own being. It’s like I’m tapping into something special, an energy source inside me I didn’t know existed. I’m a different person when I dance, and yet it’s the person I hope to embody in my every day.
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My life consists of small moments now. They are not grand. People ask me How it’s going at parties and I don’t know how to respond, beyond I saw the tree on my block blossom this morning. So many things have changed, and also so little. Isn’t that what life is, a state of constant flux, a state of constant catch-ups about our lives, when all you really want to do is live life together?
You know, I always dream of living 5 minutes from each other on an island in our 80s, drinking tea every weekend, laughing and gossiping about our grandchildren's lives. I’ve been doubting that lately. Will we mind the inconvenience, toll the logistics, & do the hard labor of figuring it out together? Will it just be easier to go our separate ways and live just as we do, instead of building it together? I’ve always thought relationships are worth fighting for, & I’ve recently learned not everyone feels this way. What do you do but keep on living, & hope that the people who were meant to be in our lives, they would find a way? Do you think we will find a way?
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That’s what I’ve been thinking about. Now tell me. What does your weekday look like? What does your weekend look like? What was the last thing that made you happy and brought a smile to your face? What is one question you spend your free time thinking about? What is one (or a few) things you’ve read/watched/listened to that you love?
We haven’t talked for a long time. I hope you are well.
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Thanks to Cyrus for the email that sparked this essay.
❤️ I loved reading about your day. Will share more thoughts later 😊